Mummy Moment

     I had a little ‘Mummy Moment’ today.

     I've been doing a lot of floor-play with Harlow now that she's much better at tummy time, and for the past week, we have been practising the 'roll over'. I lay her on her back, grab either her right or left leg, wrap it over the other and pull until she rolls onto her tummy. She normally gets her arms trapped beneath her and takes some time to bring them up. Sometimes she gets too grumpy and I have to help her. It’s good fun though and it’s good for her to get used to using her muscles.

     Today, we started as we normally do, only this time when I pulled her left leg over the right, she rolled herself the rest of the way and whipped her arms straight up! I was so excited that I had to FaceTime my Mum right away to demonstrate Harlow’s new development. Of course when under pressure, Harlow developed stage freight instead and Mum got grumpy Granddaughter…

     Even though she hasn’t fully rolled over by herself yet, and even though this is what we are practising for, the feeling you get inside when your child learns a new skill is so profound. It’s a feeling of sheer joy, excitement, pride and love; all interwoven to create an emotion never felt before. An emotion that is nameless. (I will simply refer to this as the 'Parent Emotion'.) This was a moment that will be etched in my heart; the mummy moment I experienced before she hit the milestone of rolling over. It was a beautiful moment I shared with my daughter and the first time I truly felt that sense of pride as a parent.

     I’ve realised something today. As Harlow will be going through so many changes this year as she develops new skills and hits new milestones, that most likely, we will share this moments alone. Just her and I. (And the cat, of course.) This may be selfish but I think that’s pretty cool. I have the front row seat to the world premiere of Harlow Reine Hookway. I am the creator and director of this show, I look forward capturing each moment with her, and I can’t wait for my next Mummy Moment <3

My girl learning to sit and doing tummy time xx

Review: Ewan the Dream Sheep

     Merry 2017, folks! I thought I'd kick off my first post this year with a review on a product that I use for my daughter: Ewan the Dream Sheep, which is basically a sleeping aid to help your little one... well, sleep. Before I bought Ewan, I read some amazon reviews, which were quite varied; some rated it and others didn't rate it at all. The reason I ended up purchasing it was because a friend of mine had one, and he swore by it. It's much easier to trust the opinion of someone you know, as opposed to an anonymous review by a total stranger, who could in fact just be a mole of the company singing their own praises in order to raise sales! It's happened. I'm going to start off with a description of what Ewan is all about, as described by the manufacturer, Sweet Dreamers. Then I'll give you the reality of this little guy as described by me; a mother who values her own sleep!

     So, Sweet Dreamers say: "ewan ®is our new baby sleep product that is already lulling thousands of babies and toddlers to sleep across the globe. The clever thing about soft cuddly ewan® is that he combines a range of 4 soothing sounds, including real womb and heart beat sounds, together with a calming pink glow to create a soothing environment that will quickly settle your little angel into a long and peaceful sleep..... Which of course means a great sleep for all the family too! Womb and heartbeat sounds have been proven to be extremely effective at helping reduce COLIC induced pain as they remind the baby of the natural soothing environment of the womb. Apart from being simply the cutest sheep on the block, ewan® makes a perfect baby or toddler gift. Parents love ewan the dream sheep® and the best bit is that babies love him too!"

     Now what Sweet Dreamers claim here is that by playing sounds of the womb, your baby will be comforted and lulled to a peaceful sleep, which in turn helps with colic pain - yadda yadda... Well luckily my daughter hasn't suffered with colic so I can neither confirm nor deny this claim. What I will say though, without a shadow of a doubt, is that I cannot live without this sheep. He is quite simply the best purchase I have ever made. Well, second to my IVF of course 😛 That's not to say he is perfect as there are some flaws, but in my experience, he is worth every penny. And at around £30 depending where you purchase from, he's hardly breaking the bank.

     Ewan comes with four different sounds (one sound for each leg) which are rain, harp, hoover and the womb. Each sound also has a heartbeat played over the top. Harlow loves the hoover anyway, so I thought this would be her sleep aid, but actually she loves the harp. It's a lovely melody and admittedly, Ewan has lulled me to sleep many a night! Each sound plays for 20 minutes, then automatically switches off. Ewan's chest glows red when switched on but this also automatically switches off when each sound finishes. His tail is made of velcro, which is quite long when unravelled; making him easily attachable to most furnishings, whether on the go or at home. It's easy to use, really soft and cuddly, and does what it says on the tin. So what about the flaws?

     Underneath Ewan is an opening (fastened by strong velcro) where the control panel is kept. Here you can alter the volume from 'quiet' to 'loud', and you can adjust the play settings from 'try me' to 'normal'. Now the volume settings are misleading. The truth is, Ewan can be set to 'loud' or 'louder'. There is no quiet, and you don't have the option to adjust it to your liking. For me though, this isn't a problem. Some reviews I read really didn't like this about Ewan, but I honestly have never had any trouble with it. You shouldn't be tiptoeing around your little ones anyway. I could set off an atomic bomb in my room and Harlow would still sleep away. And as long as Ewan isn't placed right beside your baby's lug-holes, you shouldn't find this an issue. As for the play settings, wtf is 'try me' mode?! All it does is confuse the hell out of you. Instead of each leg having it's own sound in 'normal' mode, one leg can play all sounds in 'try me' mode. Now you could say that this is for parents who are shopping and just want to give Ewan a try, but the bloody sheep is sealed inside its box, making any leg pulling a no go. It's the most pointless function ever created, ever.

     The red glow that appears on Ewan's chest when switched on is supposedly meant to replicate the glow that baby sees from inside the womb, which is meant to calm baby to sleep. I honestly think that is a load of bollocks. It's not a 'soft' glow as described, its just a red light. It does however catch my daughters eye, so if it works, it works. I do however think the heartbeats are a big factor in aiding sleep, along with your child's preferred white noise. It really is a calming sound and if used from an early age, you can understand how that would calm any baby. Apart from recognising their parents voices, a heartbeat is the one sound of familiarity in a world of new experiences; from noisy cars to footsteps on the pavement, dogs barking and doors slamming shut, taps dripping to flies buzzing... The musicality is endless and something we adults take for granted.

     I bought Ewan before Harlow was born, and I first used him when she was around 3 weeks old. Initially, she did not care for this grey-faced creature staring down into her moses basket. I was a little disheartened as I'd had high hopes for this supposed sleep hero. I stopped using him for a while and then tried again when Harlow was around 7-8 weeks. At first, she liked the hoover sound, but this quickly became tiresome, so I tried the other sounds and found that she liked the harp. I wasn't that keen on the melody at first, but it is something we both love now. It's rare that I'm awake before the 20 minutes is up, let alone Harlow! Harlow is now 4 months old and I am on my third set of batteries. I use it every night, for every wakening throughout the night. I don't even have to worry about her falling back to sleep, because even if she grumbles for a while, I know Ewan will win. Ewan always wins.

     The downfall with this wonderful product, is that it is so good, my daughter cannot sleep without it. I was staying at my mums over Christmas and I left Ewan at my house. Harlow goes to bed at the same time every night and after almost 2 hours past her bedtime of trying everything I could think of, she would not go to sleep! I had to go home in the end to retrieve him and within 1 minute of being with Ewan, she was completely and soundly asleep.

     So it retrospect, the flaws of Ewan are minuscule, and the results are beyond expectation. You could argue that being so reliant on a sleeping-aid is a bad thing but I don't see the issue. Some people need to sleep with a light on, some need a TV; my daughter needs a cuddly, musical soft-toy. It could be worse. She could be up all night keeping me awake, making us both miserable the following day. Ewan is the sheep of my dreams, and more importantly, of Harlow's. Thanks to Ewan, we both sleep soundly. What more could any new parent ask for?

Harlow and her BFF, Ewan the Dream Sheep.

2016 -The End

     It has truly been a wonderful ending to an epic year for me. Despite the craziness going on in the world this year with legendary celebrities kicking the bucket, Britain's exit and Trumps entry, my world has grown and is filled with so much joy. Becoming a Mum has been a defining journey for me so far, and it's only just begun.

     Everyone has made a fuss over this being Harlow's first Christmas, and it has been really nice. She got totally spoiled and it was crazy to me how much joy that gave me. Like her presents were my presents. It made me happy to see her spoiled. However, she is only 3 months old so she was more interested in the tissue paper and quite frankly wasn't bothered by all the, 'Oh, what have you got Harlow?'s. But come next year when she's walking about and understands things better, Oh Em Gee, I cant wait for that! This Christmas may have been her first, but this Christmas wasn't about her. It was about me. About my first Christmas as a Mummy, and my last Christmas of being spoiled, because I totally was! Cheers Mum and Dad :) Now I get it. I get it when people say that Christmas is about your children, because seeing them happy is the only present you ask Santa for.

     My birthday is on boxing day, and I got really emotional towards the end of the day. I found out that my IVF treatment had worked and that I was pregnant on my birthday last year (2015). It had been a year that I got that amazing news and there I was, babe in arm, reflecting on my journey and I just couldn't stop the emotion breaking through. I truly feel so blessed in my life right now to have a happy and healthy little girl; whom is funny and bright and beautiful. She is everything I could have asked for and more, and I hope I am for her. I often get asked about how I cope as a single parent, or how will I tell Harlow that she doesn't have a father, but it's pretty easy to be honest. I went into this knowing it was just going to be us two, so I don't know any different. And as for Harlow not having a father, who needs one when she has four devoted uncles!

Harlow with my four brothers: Matt, Brett, Daniel and Ashley. (Left to right)

To my darling daughter,

     There will never be enough words to tell you what you mean to me. I hope that I am enough for you, that you have a happy life with me, and that you never go a day without feeling like you belong. I will give you everything that I have to offer as Mother, as a woman, and as a friend. I love you, Smoosh.

Forever Yours,
Mummy xxxx



Happy New Year, All!!!

My 'scrambled eggs' explained

     I have referred to my eggs as being scrambled, but I haven't explained what that means. In the literal sense, my eggs are perfectly normal. They're definitely not gooey little globs floating around in my ovaries - they've just never worked.

     I was a late bloomer in life. I didn't start the 'monthly fun time' until I was nearly 16 and even after that, mother nature only visited once a year. At the age of 20, and after repeated blood tests and scans, the doctors had ruled out every condition (such as PCOS) and told me they didn't know what the cause or reason was, but it was very possible that I might never have children. At the age of 20, I wasn't ready to have children, but it was something I definitely wanted in my future. Now that future was uncertain.

     Needless to say, that knowledge stuck in mind for my entire adulthood. The older I got, the more desperate I began to feel. Though I had never actively attempted a pregnancy, I also never took precautions to avoid one. I always said that any pregnancy would be a joy, no matter how it was consummated. As all my friends became mothers and fathers, the need grew deeper and deeper. I loved being Aunty Holly and I have the most wonderful bonds with my friends children, but it was never enough, and never would be.

     On top of all this desire, my love-life had long since taken a nose-dive into oblivion! I was very much in love with my ex and our break-up was incredibly difficult for me to deal with, and I never found love since. My doctors had told me that when I was ready to have children, I would need medical help. There were drugs they could use to stimulate my ovaries, as mine are, in a sense, impotent. But not having someone in my life made that option a non-option. So here is my where my difficulty lies...

1) My ovaries weren't releasing eggs and even when they did, it could be up to a year before they did, making ovulation IMPOSSIBLE to calculate.
2) In order to have children, I would need medical help, and therefore I needed a partner whom was as committed as I
3) I had no partner
4) Fertility begins to deplete in women over the age of 35, and as I was nearing my 30's, was I prepared to wait for Mr Right to come along to give me the family life I so desperately longed for?

The answer in short was... No. I wasn't.

     Choosing to be a single mother is a lot less scary then the possibility of never being a mother at all. My fertility was already below women in my age category, and my heart was aching enough. Some people may look at me as the sad, desperate spinster, but you know what I say to them? Yes. You're absolutely right. I was sad. I was desperate. And I'm still a spinster. #spinsterlife

     I look at my daughter now and everything I went through leading up to her birth was a test on my character. She is the most amazing and spectacular thing I have done in my life, and my choice to have her the way I did was honest, and was achieved through sheer love and devotion. Well, that and a shit load of egg-stimulating hormones! I may not be able to have children on my own, but with a little help and a lot of inner-strength, my eggs matured, fertilized and grew inside of me like any normal woman. For that, I am truly thankful, and for the first time in my life, I feel like a normal woman; scrambled eggs or not.

Public appearences v. The truth

     I'm pretty much the last of my friends to have a baby. I remember meeting up with my mum-friends and seeing how neat their hair and make-up would be and how energised they were, and thinking that they made motherhood look so easy. Then I became a Mum and at first, I thought, how did they do it?! I barely found time to brush my teeth most mornings. Some days I didn't even change my pants. Pretty grim, I know. But that was my reality.

     Here I was, with a lovely little girl, whom I bath every night and change her clothes, brush her soft, fine hair, clip her nails, and oh my days is she a beauty. Then there was me: yellow teeth, pits that smell like onions, hair that resembles a birds nest, living in the same pyjamas day after day and most days, starving. Thank god my Mum came to stay with me in the first few weeks because I don't even dare to think what my house would have been like. Finding time to be a human and be a Mum at the same time is incredibly difficult to balance in the beginning. People will tell you that it's hard, but they don't tell you how it is hard. I honestly couldn't figure out how my friends kept it together. Then I realised something. They didn't.

     When I step out of the house to go somewhere or visit someone, I hide the truth: that I am now a complete and utter disaster of a person. If you see me at your door with make-up on, you want to be grateful. I showered for you. When you see me with my hair straightened, you need to thank my daughter. I let her cry an extra 10 minutes while I gave myself some attention. When you see me looking smart, you should be impressed. I actually managed to use the washing machine this week. Pre-motherhood, I was one of the most organised persons I know. I always looked together, I never ran late or missed an appointment and I definitely always ate. Now that all my time is given to Harlow, I had given up on being Holly. And I know I'm not the only one.

     I may be a single parent but I have the most amazing Mum and helpful friends, so I'm not alone, but how in the fuck I am as disorganised as I am is beyond me. I mean, Harlow is one tiny, little, mini human, yet I can never get my shit together. Right now, there is an open nappy sac with a dirty nappy inside on my living room floor, which I abandoned next to the change mat, which is opposite a nearly empty bottle of breastmilk, which I will admit has been there for at least 4 hours and I'm pretty sure that the bib that is under my leg on the sofa smells like sick. And that's just my living room...

     Three months in though, I'm glad to say the hygiene is improving. I'm leaving the house more often than not and my hair brush has never seen so much action. I'm still having the odd 'slob' day but you know what, who cares? I certainly don't. So my house isn't perfect 24/7. So my letters haven't been opened in a few days. So my fridge is a little bare and I've been living off noodles and chocolate. As long as my lady is healthy and happy, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and the rest will fall into place, eventually.

     So to all the Mums that are looking glamorous today,  well done for finding the time to hide the truth. Crack open a can of cider (or a bottle of prosecco if you're feeling fancy) and lets toast to all the exhausted, stinky, and disorganised Mums, who found the motivation to be human enough to make a good public appearance. Here, here!

An introduction of sorts

     Hello fellow bloggers.

     It's been a while since I put words together to form a body of text. Years actually. Life has a tendency to carry on rolling by while you fantasize about the billions of pounds you'll never have and the Brazilian pool-boy in a sequined thong bringing you tea. Next thing you know, you've got a baby in the cradle, a wedge of post-caesarean fat across your stomach - streaked with livid 'how could you do this to me' stretch marks - and so many holes in your memory that your brain has become a sieve, quite literally. Well now that things have become more settled in my now upside-down world, I realised that I finally have some inspiration back in my heart and a truck-load of topics right in my home. Thanks to my ever so charming daughter, Harlow. My joy. My darling. My muse! My... Oh fuck, it's crying. Make it stop! Make it stop!

     I've had an interesting journey into motherhood; all self-inflicted which has made for interesting conversation, as I have been single for the past 7 years. I get a lot of, "You and your partner must be so proud."
     "Your fella is a lucky guy."
     "I didn't know you had a boyfriend..."

     Clearly the question here is, 'who's the daddy', but no-one can ask the long-term singleton the simple question because the judgement here is, 'she totally had a one-night stand. Whore.'

     Actually, the answer isn't as sordid as you'd expect. Short version: I wanted a baby but my eggs are 'scrambled' and I wasn't prepared to wait for Mr Right any longer, so I had IVF and used donor sperm. Ta-daaa! This baby was wanted, this baby was planned, and this baby is the best thing I ever did. My daughter is now three months old and so far she has survived so I'm doing pretty good at this single-parent thing (#thumbsup.) I'll go through the much longer and complex version in later posts, but for now, that's us in a nutshell.

     This blog will be a place for me to share my enjoyments and my hardships as a mother, I'll be doing reviews on products I use for my daughter, and I'll be posting images of our lives to remember the moments as she grows. I will be serving the realistic and blunt views of my experience, with a side order of humour. It's all about the baby bants! Please feel free to comment any topics below you'd like me to write about and I hope you enjoy reading my blog for breakfast :)