I have referred to my eggs as being scrambled, but I haven't explained what that means. In the literal sense, my eggs are perfectly normal. They're definitely not gooey little globs floating around in my ovaries - they've just never worked.
I was a late bloomer in life. I didn't start the 'monthly fun time' until I was nearly 16 and even after that, mother nature only visited once a year. At the age of 20, and after repeated blood tests and scans, the doctors had ruled out every condition (such as PCOS) and told me they didn't know what the cause or reason was, but it was very possible that I might never have children. At the age of 20, I wasn't ready to have children, but it was something I definitely wanted in my future. Now that future was uncertain.
Needless to say, that knowledge stuck in mind for my entire adulthood. The older I got, the more desperate I began to feel. Though I had never actively attempted a pregnancy, I also never took precautions to avoid one. I always said that any pregnancy would be a joy, no matter how it was consummated. As all my friends became mothers and fathers, the need grew deeper and deeper. I loved being Aunty Holly and I have the most wonderful bonds with my friends children, but it was never enough, and never would be.
On top of all this desire, my love-life had long since taken a nose-dive into oblivion! I was very much in love with my ex and our break-up was incredibly difficult for me to deal with, and I never found love since. My doctors had told me that when I was ready to have children, I would need medical help. There were drugs they could use to stimulate my ovaries, as mine are, in a sense, impotent. But not having someone in my life made that option a non-option. So here is my where my difficulty lies...
1) My ovaries weren't releasing eggs and even when they did, it could be up to a year before they did, making ovulation IMPOSSIBLE to calculate.
2) In order to have children, I would need medical help, and therefore I needed a partner whom was as committed as I
3) I had no partner
4) Fertility begins to deplete in women over the age of 35, and as I was nearing my 30's, was I prepared to wait for Mr Right to come along to give me the family life I so desperately longed for?
The answer in short was... No. I wasn't.
Choosing to be a single mother is a lot less scary then the possibility of never being a mother at all. My fertility was already below women in my age category, and my heart was aching enough. Some people may look at me as the sad, desperate spinster, but you know what I say to them? Yes. You're absolutely right. I was sad. I was desperate. And I'm still a spinster. #spinsterlife
I look at my daughter now and everything I went through leading up to her birth was a test on my character. She is the most amazing and spectacular thing I have done in my life, and my choice to have her the way I did was honest, and was achieved through sheer love and devotion. Well, that and a shit load of egg-stimulating hormones! I may not be able to have children on my own, but with a little help and a lot of inner-strength, my eggs matured, fertilized and grew inside of me like any normal woman. For that, I am truly thankful, and for the first time in my life, I feel like a normal woman; scrambled eggs or not.
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